Read about my decision to stop running from my problems.
What Is Going On?
I realized I have been lying to myself. I keep saying everything is fine and perfect, but in reality, it is not. Since I keep repeating that everything is fine, I do not take action to fix my problems, because “there are no problems”… but there are.
For the past four months, I have been living in denial and avoiding confronting anything and everything.
I cannot be too specific, but here is an example. Imagine running out of toothpaste. You need toothpaste for good oral health. Without it, you risk cavities or disease that could lead to something serious. The solution is simple: buy more toothpaste.
But instead of fixing the problem, I pretend I did not run out. I distract myself. Days go by, my teeth get nastier, and nothing “bad” happens yet, but eventually it will. That is avoidance.
That is exactly how I have been treating other parts of my life. Not just one or two areas, but probably five different things I have been running away from.
So if you ask me “How have you been?” this is how I have been. To be clear, this is only a metaphor. I do brush my teeth twice a day and take care of my oral health. But this is how I have been treating the bigger things.
I am not fine, but I am not terrible either.
What Now?
I want to confront my problems one by one. I want to stop running away.
If I encounter a problem, I will address it instead of letting it build up inside me. For at least 30 minutes a day, I will sit with the discomfort of facing my problems and actually acknowledging them.
The first step is clarity. What are my problems, and what do I want the outcome to be? I need to sit down and think honestly about that.
Kpop Demon Hunters
Recently I watched Kpop Demon Hunters and one character, Rumi, really hit me. She is actually a demon pretending to be a hunter. At first, she is in denial about her true nature and hides her shame. Because of that, her voice, her real power, is blocked.
But when she finally acknowledges her demon instead of running from it, her voice becomes stronger. She does not lose power by admitting the truth. She actually shines more because of it.
That is when it clicked for me. I have been doing the same thing. Hiding my shame, lying to myself and others, pretending things are fine. And by hiding, I have been blocking my own voice.
This is not the same as “fake it till you make it.” The unhealthy version of faking it is denial, pretending the demon is not there. The real version is owning your reality and still stepping forward as the person you want to become. Rumi did not get stronger by hiding. She got stronger by bringing her shame into the light.
Maybe that is what I need too: to stop hiding the parts of myself I feel ashamed of and bring clarity and love to every part of who I am.
Conclusion
I am probably being dramatic right now, so do not think this is my rock bottom. I am just not happy with myself, but I am also learning to accept myself for who I am in this moment.
If you are reading this, do not worry. I am OK.
XOXO,
Day